Images of the Internets

If the internet is good for anything, and I have heard arguments in support of the affirmative, then it certainly must have something to do with this photo, upon which I often stumble during my searches for hardcore right-wing recipes sites:


People, you should not feed your pets in disposable pie foils; give them some dignity and get a dish, okay? Unless this was some sort of Purina Jiffy Pop, in which case, what the hell is wrong with America. Anyway.

I've always liked this photo. I interpret it thusly: the kitten, overcome with Nature's Bounty, collapses in ecstasy, as I do over a good Wrath-of-Christ recipe for cinnamon rolls. Alternatively, I guess the kitten could have just fallen asleep, as kittens are wont to suddenly do after chewing up your expensive headphones or farting.

Tonight, as I was watching Law & Order, this image popped up again. It occurred to me that this cat could very well be dead, and this is some sort of posed scene. But who? And why? Was this a 'hit'? Did the kitten 'know too much'? Will there be a 'trial'? Will the courtroom have a 'baliff'? I don't know, and therein lies the real magic of the internet. Although I'm not sure exactly what that is. Hmm.

Anyway, here's another favorite internet picture, one for which I have no compelling thoughts beyond that which is presented. END TRANSMISSION.

Joe Sixpack, Some Concepts

It's a FACT! Part 2

Caterpillars roll into a ball when touched or forcibly molded into that position by the mischevious fingers of troubled children.

The Moon was created in 1907 by the Sears and Roebuck company as a way to advertise it's new abilty to craft rocky, barren worlds.

To measure your distance from the sun, count the number of times your voice echos from its surface, and divide that number by six. You will die before the calculations are complete.

There were no television characters on US currency until 1983, when Magnum PI was briefly on the nickel following an appearance on Carson.

Hairspray was originally invented as an aid in hairstyling.

If you draw a straight line between any two points on a map of the globe, that line will not automatically appear in that place in the real world.

The NAACP was founded in 1753 by the Knights Templar, and has since evolved into the organization we now know as 'The Dairy Council,' according to a dream by Chris Timley, 44, of Minneapolis.

Although many believe that the first surprise birthday party was thrown for Napoleon Bonaparte by the Ewoks, this is actually incorrect.

In a 1974 study by the University of Delaware it was revealed that no matter where you go, there you are not.

Frogs are the only amphibians to come armed with missile turrets for shooting at canines, thus the term: Hotter Than a Dog on Fire From a Frog Missile.

No one expects that much of you and, still, they are rather disappointed.

The 1932 World's Fair was the first event of its kind to be held on that day, with that title. Also, it was the first to levitate.

Snakebites can be cured by pressing chewed bubblegum into the fang holes and having a friend hit you in the head repeatedly with a souvenir map of Shea Stadium. Try it.

Although history failed to record it, Carl Weathers was brought to America by NASA, and was subsequently named chairman of General Motors following the cashew famine of 1866.

In 1953, a young inventor named Charles Mangot patented the means by which olives can be canned, thus resulting in the signing of the Magna Carta, according to my history teacher who was involved in a serious fall.

The automobile is the first human invention to be visible from inside an automobile.

If fully stretched out, your intestines would measure six miles, causing you to die a horrible, horrible death.

Jury Duty

So I totally have jury duty tomorrow, unh-huh. Gonna mete out some carefully weighted justice. I really hope there will be some close-ups of me reacting during BD Wong's testimony, or perhaps I'll get to be foreman and read off that 'We the jury' bit. I'll see that Bronson Pinchot hang for this!

Soothing Relief in My Inbox

I received this ad in my inbox today:


Yes, it says: "In times of unrest because of financial crisis, sit down and relax with this offer full of beautiful soothing classical music...After this, maybe you will see that every cloud has a silver lining!" Classical music and misty bait fishing is all fine and good, but here are some other things you may enjoy to sit down with in times of crisis:

- In the midst of a home invasion, nothing soothes like pudding.

- While rotting away in a Thai prison, let Romanesque wall frescoes calm your mind.

- In this troubling era of non-stop robot attacks, find relief in the bake-dish casseroles of 1960s St. Paul. There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

- Ethiopian cuisine: for when life seems like an unending parade of humiliation and abject defeat.

- Out of oxygen? Interpretive dance is here.

PS: eclassical is actually a good place to download some classical music if, you know, you're an elitist pantywaist.

Hopping an Emerging Meme Before It's Woefully Unfunny

Wait...I'm sorry, that's totally unfair and biased. Here:

Grim Tidings From the Future

PEOPLE OF THE PAST. Down with your hu-la whoops and malt shops! I come from the year 2009 and I bear grim tidings! Behold and fear:

- On your television show, LOST, the island is revealed to be the Cloverfield monster! Tremble!

- Your Academy Award shall by won by Kevin Spacey MARK 6! His speech shall be unbearable and lengthy, and punctuated with Zenon-Ray bursts from his horrible, horrible ocular cannons.

Your switch-over to high-definition television tubes will fraught with peril and flickering images of Ryan Seacrest, or possibly Mike Rowe! Beware!

Your economy is doomed! Raid your cabinetry and places-of-storage for zinc, as it will spell your salvation. Avast!

Global warming has made ice-production futile! Foster now your tolerance for room-temperature Doctored Pepper and Iced Tea Leaves!

Oh, and also, a black man is totally president.

END TRANSMISSION.

It's a FACT! Part 1

The next time someone hands you a silver dollar, examine the year on the coin; this is the year of your death, as predicted by your 7th-grade algebra teacher and Nostradamus.

If you are ever stranded in the desert, you can find water by sending $3.50 and a self addressed, stamped envelope to the US Department of Water.

Count the number of times that a cricket chirps in 30 seconds and divide that number by 6; the answer may surprise you.

Here's a trick: when tying your shoes, tie the left one first; this will prevent werewolves from attacking you.

When cutting a pizza, pie, or round cake, divide the number of desired servings by the circumfrence of the dish, then multiply by the height of each slice divided by pi. Calculate to the nearest 100th decimal place. Show your work.

In 1943, a chef from Hamburg, Germany mixed ground beef with spices, then was killed by werewolves. The hamburger was already in existence.

In the southern hemisphere, birds fly east for the winter instead of south, because vast air currents from secret volcanoes blow them that way.

You can determine the current windspeed by looking into a mirror and repeating 'windspeed wonder weather' 100 times, then calling your weather advisory bureau.

The burrito was invented in 1912 by Mexican immigrants seeking a passage to the Suez Canal.

According to Scandanavian folklore, you and your whole goddamned family are a bunch of peckerheads, jack.

The Des Moines Abbatoir was founded in 1942 as a means of hastening the Dark One's return to Earth.

According to the International Centre of Lloyd, most American households are dangerously underlloyded.

Count the number of cicada 'swells' in a 1 minute period and multiply the answer by your age; that is the distance, in meters, to the center of the earth from where you are now standing.

Placing a rubber band around your scrotum will help reduce your gas mileage.

The capybara is the only mammal that openly disdains you, even after you spent all that money on capybara-related merchandise at the gift shoppe.

You can always figure out the time of day by examining the shadow of a Box Elder. No-one knows why this is true.

According to the International Red Cross, your interest in a career with them is appreciated, but they are not currently looking for a warlord with ties to the Welsh Mafia, as the position has been filled.

If you are ever caught shoplifting, do not call me, as I do not know you and am unqualified to offer legal advice.

TO BE CONTINUED! LATER!