Um.

Um. Um-ummum.

Season's Bleatings.

So let's see...cheapo, token gifts to people I only really talk to once a year: check. Christmas tree wired directly to AC current to deter 'everything is a toy for me to destroy' kitten: check. Blodge updates...CRAP! I forgot about my 'The Blodge'! My reader will never forgive me. Anyway, here's what I've been doing:

I was arrested for arson and criminal mischief on Thanksgiving when my attempt to defrost my single-serving pouch of lump formed turkey-product with a hairdryer burned down the the YMCA. Whoops!

Went back through all my old correspondence to discover I had forgotten about a 6-year illicit affair I had in the late 80s with Ally Sheedy, star of 'Short Circuit.'

I served briefly as president of Guam, wearing a full samurai outfit, in a vision I had after eating that dented can of NoodleRoni from MacFrugal's. My vice president: Brian Dennehy.

Also, I coined a word: 'Hubrelevance.' It's the situation where excessive pride and lack of relevance lead to downfall. Oh, and look, here's a situation where this new word can be smartly used.

PS: I do not regularly read the Wall Street Journal, but I was lured in by the stipple portrait of Axl Rose.

The Poor Man's Haiku

Totino's, I feel
shame in the frozen food aisle
but: ten for 10 bucks

Penury and pain

A financial crisis has gripped the Estates at Pixel Creek neighborhood! Rest assured we think this is only a temporary slump - once the economy totally collapses, we look forward to moving into a scalp and firemaking economy.

While poor, it's important to make sure you're getting enough nutrition; apparently, I am not. I was getting out of the shower this weekend, and I hit my big toe on the shower door - no big deal, I'm clumsy. But the amount of pain that swiftly followed was impressive. I stood there, dripping, waiting for the cursing and flourescent waves of agony to pass. When they did, I looked down and saw that I had somehow managed to liberate my big toenail from its fleshy prison. Here's an animated gif I made as an illustration:



So now I'm all limpy and sore and confused. Lesson: make sure you are getting your daily intake of calcium and niacin, despite your limited budget. If this means you need to switch over to boneless hotdogs, so be it.

Ways In Which I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Pledged allegiance for self, then withdrew support at crucial juncture, resulting in prison gangland-retribution scenario.

Strapped self to weather machine, made it rain angry fire ants and acid knives

Promised I would not eat last deviled egg; ate last deviled egg

When filling out self-evaluation, used the phrase 'incompetent, malodorous, snorkleheaded asshat' 15 times

Promised to pick self up at airport; ran over childhood pet instead

Taped over that one 'Wings' episode

When directions called for stirring hot cocoa mix into boiling water, instead poured mug contents directly into face

Constantly kicking self in gonads

Enacted sweeping, diabolical plans spanning three time zones and two decades, resulting in being a quarter short of the full dry cycle

Made self some fudge; it was that weird tan fudge

Ate that questionable luncheon meat

Images of the Internets

If the internet is good for anything, and I have heard arguments in support of the affirmative, then it certainly must have something to do with this photo, upon which I often stumble during my searches for hardcore right-wing recipes sites:


People, you should not feed your pets in disposable pie foils; give them some dignity and get a dish, okay? Unless this was some sort of Purina Jiffy Pop, in which case, what the hell is wrong with America. Anyway.

I've always liked this photo. I interpret it thusly: the kitten, overcome with Nature's Bounty, collapses in ecstasy, as I do over a good Wrath-of-Christ recipe for cinnamon rolls. Alternatively, I guess the kitten could have just fallen asleep, as kittens are wont to suddenly do after chewing up your expensive headphones or farting.

Tonight, as I was watching Law & Order, this image popped up again. It occurred to me that this cat could very well be dead, and this is some sort of posed scene. But who? And why? Was this a 'hit'? Did the kitten 'know too much'? Will there be a 'trial'? Will the courtroom have a 'baliff'? I don't know, and therein lies the real magic of the internet. Although I'm not sure exactly what that is. Hmm.

Anyway, here's another favorite internet picture, one for which I have no compelling thoughts beyond that which is presented. END TRANSMISSION.

Joe Sixpack, Some Concepts

It's a FACT! Part 2

Caterpillars roll into a ball when touched or forcibly molded into that position by the mischevious fingers of troubled children.

The Moon was created in 1907 by the Sears and Roebuck company as a way to advertise it's new abilty to craft rocky, barren worlds.

To measure your distance from the sun, count the number of times your voice echos from its surface, and divide that number by six. You will die before the calculations are complete.

There were no television characters on US currency until 1983, when Magnum PI was briefly on the nickel following an appearance on Carson.

Hairspray was originally invented as an aid in hairstyling.

If you draw a straight line between any two points on a map of the globe, that line will not automatically appear in that place in the real world.

The NAACP was founded in 1753 by the Knights Templar, and has since evolved into the organization we now know as 'The Dairy Council,' according to a dream by Chris Timley, 44, of Minneapolis.

Although many believe that the first surprise birthday party was thrown for Napoleon Bonaparte by the Ewoks, this is actually incorrect.

In a 1974 study by the University of Delaware it was revealed that no matter where you go, there you are not.

Frogs are the only amphibians to come armed with missile turrets for shooting at canines, thus the term: Hotter Than a Dog on Fire From a Frog Missile.

No one expects that much of you and, still, they are rather disappointed.

The 1932 World's Fair was the first event of its kind to be held on that day, with that title. Also, it was the first to levitate.

Snakebites can be cured by pressing chewed bubblegum into the fang holes and having a friend hit you in the head repeatedly with a souvenir map of Shea Stadium. Try it.

Although history failed to record it, Carl Weathers was brought to America by NASA, and was subsequently named chairman of General Motors following the cashew famine of 1866.

In 1953, a young inventor named Charles Mangot patented the means by which olives can be canned, thus resulting in the signing of the Magna Carta, according to my history teacher who was involved in a serious fall.

The automobile is the first human invention to be visible from inside an automobile.

If fully stretched out, your intestines would measure six miles, causing you to die a horrible, horrible death.

Jury Duty

So I totally have jury duty tomorrow, unh-huh. Gonna mete out some carefully weighted justice. I really hope there will be some close-ups of me reacting during BD Wong's testimony, or perhaps I'll get to be foreman and read off that 'We the jury' bit. I'll see that Bronson Pinchot hang for this!

Soothing Relief in My Inbox

I received this ad in my inbox today:


Yes, it says: "In times of unrest because of financial crisis, sit down and relax with this offer full of beautiful soothing classical music...After this, maybe you will see that every cloud has a silver lining!" Classical music and misty bait fishing is all fine and good, but here are some other things you may enjoy to sit down with in times of crisis:

- In the midst of a home invasion, nothing soothes like pudding.

- While rotting away in a Thai prison, let Romanesque wall frescoes calm your mind.

- In this troubling era of non-stop robot attacks, find relief in the bake-dish casseroles of 1960s St. Paul. There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

- Ethiopian cuisine: for when life seems like an unending parade of humiliation and abject defeat.

- Out of oxygen? Interpretive dance is here.

PS: eclassical is actually a good place to download some classical music if, you know, you're an elitist pantywaist.