1. Eat corn, dispose can2. Dispose corn, eat can (not recommended)
3. Set can of corn on levitating object to prevent object from levitating into ionosphere (light-weight objects only)
4. Hurl can of corn at attacking enemies - especially useful if enemies are allergic to corn or cans.
5. Give can of corn to child who begs you to purchase a toy for them - explain that you are poor
6. Open can, dispose corn, dispose can - feel unsatisfied
7. Stand on can of corn to appear taller, more confident
8. Place can of corn on side, lay a board across it, make fulcrum - demonstrate basic physics to jaded inner-city schoolchildren
9. Give can of corn to child who has misbehaved - explain that next time the can will contain bees, not delicious corn
10. Place can of corn on your head - you are the only person doing this; feel superior
11. Use can of corn as currency - buy more corn
12. Throw it away like you’ve thrown everything away, damnit
13. Install can of corn as third-world Junta leader - find some humorous play on kernel/colonel in subsequent headlines
14. Throw into fire, unopened - what will happen?
15. Worship can of corn - act surprised when the One True God smites you
16. Place can of corn on your cat’s head - you are the only person doing this; feel ashamed
17. Freeze can of corn, slice into ultrathin wafers, photograph slice-by-slice to create virtual ‘flythrough’ can of corn
18. Fall in love with can of corn
19. Sit on can of corn, think about things
20. Place can of corn under pillow - corn fairy will leave you a piece of string and a faulty matchbook
21. Pretend can of corn is Bigshot Broadway Producer - sing like you’ve never sung before
22. Perform ‘can of corn’ confidence scheme on unsuspecting mark
23. Sleep with can of corn, imagine you are sleeping with can of beets
24. Mail can of corn to someone in France, see what you get back (if anything)
25. Place can of corn in toilet - immediately regret doing so
26. Fire can of corn from rocket, see what atmospheric conditions aid or impede velocity
27. Try to explode can of corn using only your mind
28. Use can of corn as a visual aid as you wonder aloud about modern canning techniques and technologies to anyone who will listen
29. Try to explode can of corn using only a nine volt battery, six slices of American cheese, and a gum wrapper
30. Steam label off can of corn, place onto can of green beans - bask in the hilarity
31. Pour canned corn into wonton wrapper, deep fry - market as ‘molten grevious mouth-injury blobs’
32. Use can of corn as an alibi
33. Place can of corn in pants - explain that this is how things are done where you come from
34. Use can of corn as paperweight - note bitterly that you have no important papers to weigh down
35. Place can of corn in time capsule, include note explaining that great herds of can of corn once roamed the prarie - this is one of the last remaining specimens
36. Bring can of corn to modern art museum, place on open floor in middle of walkway - feel jilted when no-one mistakes this for art
37. Bring can of corn to job interview - before answering any questions, ask for a moment to consult the can
38. Attempt to reanimate canned corn with Lovecraftian inacantations
39. Place canned corn in mouth, pretend to vomit on irritating-coworker/neighbor - apologize profusely
40. Rub canned corn all over your nude body, you sick fuck
41. Introduce measure to gerrymander 9th congressional district to heavily favor wealthy couples - in ensuing political/media fallout, blame can of corn
42. Next time someone asks you what time it is, pummel them with can of corn - now who’s asking the questions?
43. Take can of corn into restaurant, ask waitperson for ‘just a bowl and a spoon’ - think that irritating very busy waitpeople is funny, and not at all a waste of someone’s valuable time
44. Introduce can of corn during a board meeting as ‘a vital new force in the company’ and ‘a visionary leader’ - watch stocks plummet
45. Start a boy band called ‘Can of Corn’ featuring washed up members of other boy bands - also, put a can of corn in there somewhere
46. Plant can of corn in fertile soil, see if can of corn tree grows
47. Use can of corn as a jack while you change your oil
48. Play with can of corn, dress it up, invent elaborate fantasies, who needs friends?
49. Taint can of corn with toxin - reintroduce into market
50. Bring can of corn to brothel, say ‘my friend here needs cheering up’ - think that irritating very busy flesh tradespeople is funny, and not at all a waste of someone’s valuable time
51. Write letter to a distant love on back of can of corn’s label - eat canned corn
52. Liberate canned corn back into the forest - you’re free now, canned corn!
53. Give can of corn to child, explain that their behavior has warranted nothing better
54. Trade can of corn to friendly natives for blankets - starve to death on the wagon trail
55. Smuggle can of corn through security checkpoints, see if anyone tries to stop you
56. Give can of corn to a child, then promptly take it back - explain to child that life will always be like this for them
57. Open can, retrieve single kernel and mail it to supermarket with a cut-out note reading, ‘$200,000 BY SUNDAY - NO MORE STALLING’
58. Empty can of corn into basin, give cat a ‘corn bath’
59. Take can of corn to work, declare it ‘Can of Corn Day’, say ‘So where’s your can?’ Punch anyone who doesn’t have a can
60. Place can of corn into safe deposit box, pretend it is microfilm, pretend you are a spy - get shot to death in Prague by Black Army faction
61. Take can of corn into movie theater, ask if you can put buttery topping on it - think that irritating very busy cinema staff is funny, and not at all a waste of someone’s valuable time
62. Take photographs of can of corn, post on Flickr with tag ‘can of corn’ - waste valuable internet resources
63. Vote can of corn in ‘08
64. Test teleporter on can of corn - fail to understand that 2 broken toasters, Legos, and several feet of licorice do not a ‘teleporter’ make
65. Start can of corn preservation society - appoint members, collect dues, send out newsletters
66. Start TV show - ‘Can of Corn Variety Hour’ - just a camera trained on can of corn for thirty minutes
67. Circulate rumor that can of corn actually contains the pureed remains of the elderly
68. Take can of corn to your ‘Alternative Lifestyle Senior Prom’
69. Place can of corn under a pyramid, believing that it will make it more succulent
70. Give can of corn to child, explain that corn actually contains the pureed remains of the elderly. Serve corn for dinner
71. Place can of corn into canned fruit section in supermarket - imagine that you have just done something revolutionary
72. Bring can of corn on a first date - explain that your first love is for the corn, the corn, THE CORN
73. Sieve a mixture of canned corn and vinegar through a fine screen - imagine that this will somehow result in moonshine
74. Combine canned corn with a mixture of corn meal, flour, and spices - deep-fry to make corn fritters - delicious corn fritters
75. Combine canned corn with a mixture of suet and birdseed - tell a child that it is a corn fritter
76. Look, do whatever you want, just promise to hurt a child, okay?
77. Make a big list of everything you can do with a can of corn, but don’t use anything from this list - I’ll sue your ass blind
78. Leave a trail of kernels from the forest to your house, see if the corn gnomes will come
79. Use can of corn as a fake bicep to impress the opposite sex
80. Fill your shoes with canned corn in fulfiullment of a misunderstood bible passage
81. Wear canned corn as a facial mask - go out to a social gathering - tell people you were in the great salad bar explosion of ‘99
82. Give can of corn to someone on their 90th birthday - tell them it is 64 more channels of cable television
83. Pour canned corn into your open hand - present it to a stranger in an act of good tidings
84. If you are disenfranchised, you may use can of corn to reenfranchise yourself
85. Duct tape can of corn to small of back to prevent snoring
86. Use can of corn to practice the Popeye spinach-can-squeeze-swallow manouver
87. Eat only one kernel at a time - on the bus
88. Use canned corn as shampoo, use gravel as conditioner, check self into mental hospital
89. Use canned corn as sculpting medium, sculpt giant can of corn
90. Put can of corn into dryer during ‘fluff’ cycle, see if it works as well as Downy
91. Pour milk over can of corn, eat for breakfast
92. Cite can of corn as your primary source in a fabricated NY Times article
93. Cite can of corn as your primary turn-on in a New York times classified ad
94. Pour canned corn into tortilla, eat as a burrito, realize that being high doesn’t make it taste any better
95. Use can of corn to make home-brewed ethanol, save a bundle at the pumps
96. Wear can of corn to trendy nightclubs, see if it catches on with the hip crowd
97. Obsess over can of corn’s imagined criticims of your character and wardrobe - is can of corn watching you right now?
98. Lie can of corn on its side. Now turn it upside-down. Put it on its other side. Wasn’t that fun?
99. Talk can of corn into running for Governor - withdraw support at crucial moment before the primaries
100. Identify can of corn as the number-one cause of America’s moral decline into Liberal anarchy
and...
101. Realize that can of corn is a blessing from Jesus, while can of peas is an abomination of His will
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