Ways In Which I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Pledged allegiance for self, then withdrew support at crucial juncture, resulting in prison gangland-retribution scenario.

Strapped self to weather machine, made it rain angry fire ants and acid knives

Promised I would not eat last deviled egg; ate last deviled egg

When filling out self-evaluation, used the phrase 'incompetent, malodorous, snorkleheaded asshat' 15 times

Promised to pick self up at airport; ran over childhood pet instead

Taped over that one 'Wings' episode

When directions called for stirring hot cocoa mix into boiling water, instead poured mug contents directly into face

Constantly kicking self in gonads

Enacted sweeping, diabolical plans spanning three time zones and two decades, resulting in being a quarter short of the full dry cycle

Made self some fudge; it was that weird tan fudge

Ate that questionable luncheon meat