The Poor Man's Haiku

Totino's, I feel
shame in the frozen food aisle
but: ten for 10 bucks

Penury and pain

A financial crisis has gripped the Estates at Pixel Creek neighborhood! Rest assured we think this is only a temporary slump - once the economy totally collapses, we look forward to moving into a scalp and firemaking economy.

While poor, it's important to make sure you're getting enough nutrition; apparently, I am not. I was getting out of the shower this weekend, and I hit my big toe on the shower door - no big deal, I'm clumsy. But the amount of pain that swiftly followed was impressive. I stood there, dripping, waiting for the cursing and flourescent waves of agony to pass. When they did, I looked down and saw that I had somehow managed to liberate my big toenail from its fleshy prison. Here's an animated gif I made as an illustration:



So now I'm all limpy and sore and confused. Lesson: make sure you are getting your daily intake of calcium and niacin, despite your limited budget. If this means you need to switch over to boneless hotdogs, so be it.

Ways In Which I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Pledged allegiance for self, then withdrew support at crucial juncture, resulting in prison gangland-retribution scenario.

Strapped self to weather machine, made it rain angry fire ants and acid knives

Promised I would not eat last deviled egg; ate last deviled egg

When filling out self-evaluation, used the phrase 'incompetent, malodorous, snorkleheaded asshat' 15 times

Promised to pick self up at airport; ran over childhood pet instead

Taped over that one 'Wings' episode

When directions called for stirring hot cocoa mix into boiling water, instead poured mug contents directly into face

Constantly kicking self in gonads

Enacted sweeping, diabolical plans spanning three time zones and two decades, resulting in being a quarter short of the full dry cycle

Made self some fudge; it was that weird tan fudge

Ate that questionable luncheon meat